This is how a prospective applicant replied to the requirements for immigration into SA and my explanations to him. With a sense of humour like this, guess which country he's from? Just loved this client.
Passport must have sufficient blank pages for the permit to be endorsed and to allow entry in South African (minimum of 2 blank pages);*
Derrr ok
2 colour passport size photographs;*
Need to arrange a shatter proof camera will do this week end.
Certified copy of unabridged birth certificate(s);*
You kidding I will retrieve it from *$*&( knows when I go back in July is this ok?
Certified copy of unabridged marriage certificate(s);*
Is this needed if I am not bringing her over.
Certified copy of final divorce decree(s) – if applicable;*
What the F#ck is this why do they need this anyway I am not yet divorced as this would involve talking to the b1tch
This is that expensive little piece of paper that some biased judge will decree as legal and binding once the divorce is finalised. Generally, it’s a license for one spouse to fleece the other spouse from now until eternity.
Proof of a spousal relationship (common-law spouse, life-partner). Note that if your home country does not officially recognise non-formalised relationships, South Africa will not recognise same unless proof of legislation from your home country, supporting this type of relationship can be provided;*
N/A not bringing
Police clearance certificate(s) from each country in which you have resided for a period of 12 months or more since attaining the age of 18 years, including home country (this is a vital requirement). The actual clearance certificate must be included in the application, and if the actual certificate is not available at the time of submission of the application, but proof that same has been applied for can be produced, it is soley at the discretion of the SA immigration authorities whether the application will be accepted or not subject to an undertaking by the applicant that the certificates will be submitted to the SA authorities within 6 months of the permit being granted;*
Will have to arrange a police clearance from Aus not sure if my convictions for Drug Running, Rape, Penetration of a Fish, Insolvency, etc will help or hinder my application to reside in SA which is crime free or must I prove a criminal record to fit in?.
As long as you can prove you had a shower after the rape, you’ll be fine and it’s not rape. Drug running – as long as you weren’t purporting that the drugs were ARV’s – they should be described a bartering currency for beetroots, African potatoes, olive oil and fresh garlic to assist in the fight against AIDS in SA. I can’t go into the Penetration of a Fish thing, it’s just too...... but for insolvency, you should justify it as having to repay the fortune you took from the public finds cookie jar. That way you’ll get a government grant and few contracts thrown your way to help you out of your financial difficulties. Once you’ve established yourself here, we’ll introduce you to few guys who can assist you setting up a criminal record – just to make you feel like one of us.
Comprehensive CV;
Supplied in this mail. Gee I’m Good.
You’re not good, you’re brilliant. All my clients are pure genius and walk on water. Wait till I’m finished with your application.
Medical certificate;*
How do I arrange and what does it need to say?
Straight forward – go to a General Practitioner doctor, no specialist needed. Cough, breath, kick you leg out straight when they whack you on your knee, act sane and you’re OK. No blood-sucking vampire like nurses need to extract anything from your veins.
Passport must have sufficient blank pages for the permit to be endorsed and to allow entry in South African (minimum of 2 blank pages);*
Derrr ok
2 colour passport size photographs;*
Need to arrange a shatter proof camera will do this week end.
Certified copy of unabridged birth certificate(s);*
You kidding I will retrieve it from *$*&( knows when I go back in July is this ok?
Certified copy of unabridged marriage certificate(s);*
Is this needed if I am not bringing her over.
Certified copy of final divorce decree(s) – if applicable;*
What the F#ck is this why do they need this anyway I am not yet divorced as this would involve talking to the b1tch
This is that expensive little piece of paper that some biased judge will decree as legal and binding once the divorce is finalised. Generally, it’s a license for one spouse to fleece the other spouse from now until eternity.
Proof of a spousal relationship (common-law spouse, life-partner). Note that if your home country does not officially recognise non-formalised relationships, South Africa will not recognise same unless proof of legislation from your home country, supporting this type of relationship can be provided;*
N/A not bringing
Police clearance certificate(s) from each country in which you have resided for a period of 12 months or more since attaining the age of 18 years, including home country (this is a vital requirement). The actual clearance certificate must be included in the application, and if the actual certificate is not available at the time of submission of the application, but proof that same has been applied for can be produced, it is soley at the discretion of the SA immigration authorities whether the application will be accepted or not subject to an undertaking by the applicant that the certificates will be submitted to the SA authorities within 6 months of the permit being granted;*
Will have to arrange a police clearance from Aus not sure if my convictions for Drug Running, Rape, Penetration of a Fish, Insolvency, etc will help or hinder my application to reside in SA which is crime free or must I prove a criminal record to fit in?.
As long as you can prove you had a shower after the rape, you’ll be fine and it’s not rape. Drug running – as long as you weren’t purporting that the drugs were ARV’s – they should be described a bartering currency for beetroots, African potatoes, olive oil and fresh garlic to assist in the fight against AIDS in SA. I can’t go into the Penetration of a Fish thing, it’s just too...... but for insolvency, you should justify it as having to repay the fortune you took from the public finds cookie jar. That way you’ll get a government grant and few contracts thrown your way to help you out of your financial difficulties. Once you’ve established yourself here, we’ll introduce you to few guys who can assist you setting up a criminal record – just to make you feel like one of us.
Comprehensive CV;
Supplied in this mail. Gee I’m Good.
You’re not good, you’re brilliant. All my clients are pure genius and walk on water. Wait till I’m finished with your application.
Medical certificate;*
How do I arrange and what does it need to say?
Straight forward – go to a General Practitioner doctor, no specialist needed. Cough, breath, kick you leg out straight when they whack you on your knee, act sane and you’re OK. No blood-sucking vampire like nurses need to extract anything from your veins.
He's certainly got the sense of humor for it. :wink:
And the skills shortage we have in SA at the moments is because of ........
