Explanation of Southern

[CarlS]

Since I am guilty in participating in the hijacking of scousermike's welcome thread to fight the War of Northern Aggression with The Seeker, I decided to post an explanation of things Southern here in the Lounge.

Dedicated to The Seeker and all of you north of the grits line.



Southern women appreciate their natural assets:


Clean skin.


A winning smile.


That unforgettable Southern drawl.





Southern women know their manners:


Yes, ma'am.'


'Yes, sir.'


'Why, no, Billy!'




Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :


'Y'all come back!'


'Well, bless your heart.'


'Drop by when you can.'


How's your Momma?'




Southern women know their summer weather report:


Humidity


Humidity


Humidity




Southern women know their vacation spots:


The beach


The rivuh


The crick




Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:


Colorful hi-heel sandals


Strapless sun dresses


Iced sweet tea with mint



Straw hats and big sunglasses




Southern women know everybody's first name:


Honey


Darlin'


Shugah




Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:


Fried Green Tomatoes


Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood


Steel Magnolias


Gone With The Wind




Southern women know their religions:


Baptist


Methodist


Catholic


Football




Southern women know their country breakfasts:


Red-eye gravy


Grits


Eggs


Country ham


Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly




Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:


Chawl'stn


S'vanah


Foat Wuth


N'awlins


Addlanna




Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:


Men in uniform.


Men in tuxedos


Rhett Butler




Southern girls know their prime real estate:


The Mall


The Country Club


The Beauty Salon




Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:


Having bad hair and nails


Having bad manners


Cooking bad food




More Suth en-ism's:


Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.


Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc, make up 'a mess.'


Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'


Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'


Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.


All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.


Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!


Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near'and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or 20.


Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.


No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.


A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.


Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we're 'in line,' we talk to everybody!


Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.


In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.


Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.


Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.


When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!


Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea, ''sweet milk,' and 'light bread'. Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk. And 'Light bread' is white bread.


And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,'Bless her heart' ... and go your own way.



To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!



And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .. bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!


And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'


Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

 

[Dilligaf]

Southern women can kick the sheets off a queen sized bed it seconds.

 

[Silli]

I enjoyed that............. most entertaining!! :y115: :y114:

 

[gumpt1oo]

Well as I'm from the cold wet north of England, can you tell me what 'grits' are?

 

[devo]

:happy: :happy:
that was a good explanation of the woman,
wot about the men?
:y18:

 

[Silli]

[quote author=gumpt1oo link=topic=5464.msg30689#msg30689 date=1241676655]
Well as I'm from the cold wet north of England, can you tell me what 'grits' are?
[/quote]

Grits is a Native American corn-based food common in the Southern United States, consisting of coarsely ground corn.

Grits is similar to other thick maize-based porridges from around the world such as polenta. It also has a resemblance to farina, a thinner porridge. Grits can be served hot or cold and as a base for a multitude of dishes from breakfast to dessert, depending on the additives. Additives can range from salt and butter, meats (especially shrimp on the east coast), cheese, rarely (but in nouvelle Southern cuisine) vegetables and sugar.

Origins

Traditionally the corn for grits is ground by a stone mill. The results are passed through screens, with the finer part being corn meal, and the coarser being grits. Many communities in the U.S. used a gristmill up until the mid-20th century, with families bringing their own corn to be ground, and the miller retaining a portion of the corn for his fee. In South Carolina, state law requires grits and corn meal to be enriched, similar to the requirements for flour, unless the grits is ground from corn where the miller keeps part of the product for his fee.


Three-quarters of grits sold in the United States is sold in "the South" stretching from Texas to Virginia, also known as the "grits belt". The state of Georgia declared grits its official prepared food in 2002.[4] Similar bills have been introduced in South Carolina, with one declaring, "Whereas, throughout its history, the South has relished its grits, making them a symbol of its diet, its customs, its humour, and its hospitality, and whereas, every community in the State of South Carolina used to be the site of a grits mill and every local economy in the State used to be dependent on its product; and whereas, grits has been a part of the life of every South Carolinian of whatever race, background, gender, and income; and whereas, grits could very well play a vital role in the future of not only this State, but also the world", if as Charleston's The Post and Courier proclaimed in 1952, "An inexpensive, simple, and thoroughly digestible food, [grits] should be made popular throughout the world. Given enough of it, the inhabitants of planet Earth would have nothing to fight about. A man full of [grits] is a man of peace.

Yellow grits include the whole kernel, while white grits use hulled kernels. Grits is prepared by simply boiling the ground kernels into a porridge; normally it is boiled until enough water evaporates to leave it semi-solid.

From Wikipedia. :ya2:

 

[Geoff587]

Thanks for that Carl, waiting for the Northern reply with interest . Y,all listening :happy:

 

[Gary]

American by birth and Southern by the Grace of God. This southern boy approves, except that real southern home made biscuits are eaten with fresh churned butter and home made sorgum molasses (or red eye gravy); and in the winter hog killing season, everyone gets fresh killed fried tenderloin at breakfast. As my granddaddy would say, "they're larpin' good".

I would add that in New Orleans women do not shop for groceries they "make" groceries.

Southern men:

Considers the label "red neck" a compliment,
Is a college grad,
Is a veteran,
Is straight, married and has 2 or more children,
Doesn't do drugs,
Gets a haircut at least once a month,
Bathes every day,
Is humble,
Is reserved,
Is tougher than nails,
Is meaner than a junkyard dog,
Is always a gentlemen and minds his manners and language in the presence of women,
Not only attends church regularly, but is probably a deacon or elder and tithes the full 10% to his church, and donates more,
Can kill a bird in flight at 60 yards with a shotgun 9 times out of 10,
Can kill a deer at 250 yards with rifle with iron sights,
Has what the Federal government would define as an arsenal of firearms and ammunition.
Can catch a fish in a muddy tire rut,
Carries a lethal weapon at all times and a Case knife too.
Has hundreds of blood relatives living within a 100 mile radius.
Drives a 4x4 pickup or 4x4 SUV and a Cadillac to church on Sundays,
Is worth a lot more (often a great deal more) than you would guess by his appearance and demeanor.
Doesn't like the Federal Government, the EPA, PETA, the IRS or anything green or liberal.
Tolerates Democrats only because they support Farm Bills.
Cannot understand why they let Obama use the front door of the White House.

That pretty well describes 90% of the adult (over 35) men I know in the South.

 

[Gary]

I have a friend who told me his daddy often said "Son, turn a woman upside down and they all look alike." My friend thinks his Daddy was telling him not to choose a woman based on looks.

 

[Gary]

One last thing. In the South you can say anything negative or detrimental about anyone you wish as you start it or follow it with "bless his or her little heart". Laura Lou has contracted veneral disease again, bless her little heart. Or, bless his little heart, John just can't stop molesting the little boys in his Sunday School class.

 

[CarlS]

:y115: :y114:

 

[Gromit]

:y105: Very good.

 

[Geoff587]

So I guess being a coloured homosexual atheist is asking for trouble in the South :wink:

As the gentlemen from the North are slow at coming forward, as a Proud Yorkshire man I will list the qualities of this proud county.

1. A company of wilful gentlemen within Yorkshire as there is not in all of England

2. Behaving rude and arrogant in the manner of their wild county

3. In possession of a strong backbone, lean on it but do not try to bend it.

4. Robust in physique , though not especially handsome

5. Efficent and vigourous in their undertakings , blunt in speech and rather sastisfied with themselves

6.They dislike excessive expressions of emotion and cautious with strangers

7. Prefer practise to theory

8. Extremely independant

The above are from a letter from the Archbishop of York to Henry VIII.

First out the taxi -Last to the bar

quote from Geoffs Dad.

 

[CarlS]

Very good, Geoff. :y115:

 

[Geoff587]

Unfortunately our Southern Girls are not as Genteel as the one in the USA.

In the 1980s a new phenomenon emerged from Essex: the Essex Girl. It was a term used to describe working class teenagers and young women from Essex said to be sexually promiscuous, loud, vulgar, scantily-dressed and of low intelligence. The term and the reputation it brought with it has waned over the years, but let's look back at what it was.

It is not clear how the term Essex Girl came to be. However it is likely that a comedian visiting an Essex venue told some derogatory jokes about local girls and discovered that Essex girls had a sense of humour, and could laugh at themselves, and it snowballed from there.

Recognising an Essex Girl

The stereotypical dress code of an Essex girl involved a tight-fitting, low-cut top and short skirt, (for those with money or rich boyfriends the skirt would be made of leather) complemented with white stilettos. Instead of tights or stockings, she would wear an ankle chain. She had bleached blonde hair and typically drank strong white cider or cheap wine.

A social creature, the Essex girl was rarely on her own. She would often be part of a group dancing round her handbag at a disco or in one of the cheap tacky wine bars which sprang up in the 1980s and have since closed down or been converted into something else. When they weren't in the discos or bars they could be found strutting along the streets together, loudly discussing who they fancied, or their latest sexual conquest. Another place to find an Essex girl would be in her boyfriend's car (typically a Ford Capri, Cortina or Escort) and not necessarily travelling in it.

Essex girls were not credited for their personalities or conversation skills, and were said to rely instead on their bodies and looks to attract the opposite sex. They would enjoy being the centre of attention and would loudly tell jokes (or make comments, which included crude sexual innuendos) when they had an audience.

Essex Girls

Q. How do they put the light out after sex
A. Close the car door

Q. What the first thing they say after sex
A. Do you all play for the same football team

Q. Why do they wear panties
A Keeps their ankles warm

Q Why do they have tttf on their shoes
A. Toes to the front

Q. How do you make her eyes light up
A. Shine a torch in her ear.

Just filling time in while the Northern States prepare their defence :y18:

 

[CarlS]

:y24: :y24:

Actually, that describes Bimbos most anywhere!

 

[devo]

well geoff,I was coming tto your place for my next holiday, but now I'm goin to esex
:y18:

 

[Geoff587]

Thats brought a sigh of relief from the local sheep :y18:

 

[devo]

[quote author=Geoff587 link=topic=5464.msg30743#msg30743 date=1241768206]
Thats brought a sigh of relief from the local sheep :y18:
[/quote]

cheeky b....ard
now youve gone and hurt me feelins
:y18:

 

[Geoff587]

Sorry I forgot what a sensitive person you are, I,ll go and give them a sheep a telling off . :y115: